i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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