For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
