Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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