You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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