It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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