one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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