I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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