Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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