I'm going to jail i love you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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