Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
