nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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