Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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