woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
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Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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