I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
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I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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