So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
