I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm getting married
To pizza
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
