they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
