Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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