who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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