According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My breasts were aching with rage.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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