it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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