Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house