this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
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Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
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I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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