I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
