i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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