When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize