You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
