hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
