I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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