At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
