I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
