apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
