Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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