Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
