my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
