I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
