its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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