I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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