life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
