Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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