why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
