New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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