I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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