The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family