My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
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scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
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Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.