Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.