you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
