Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
