remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
