Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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