He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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