They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
