I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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