Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish you could order shots online.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need a beard to bite.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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