if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
