Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
