At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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