Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
