Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
