What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
